So I left behind everything I knew in search of something else. I dont know what I was looking for, all I knew was that I was sinking and I needed to reach the top of the water. I came to live with my family in Arizona where I am taken care of like a child again. I feel a little ashamed to cling to this safety net, after years of being independant. But I clearly needed help, so here I am.
I feel like my seratonin levels are finally where they need to be. I am happy. Even when outside factors that are less than perfect, I still find myself joyous inside. I hate my job, my family gets on my nerves and I am in a place where I don’t know anyone, but I am still happy. This completely baffles me.
I left the love of my life, my friends that were family to me, my dream cabin in the woods. I left my car, all of my belongings and my poor little gecko [who is in the excellent care of my ex, thank goodness] and hopped on a plane, unsure of the life ahead of me.
I did the one thing that I had feared for a long time.
I am consistently happier now than I have been since before my best friend died.
And speaking of that, it is so much easier dealing with her death when I am not constantly reminded of it. No one here knew her. I am not in the small town that we grew our roots together in. I still think of her everyday, but not every five minutes. And its nice.
I really dont know what to make of it.
I am afraid of jinxing it. I am afraid it wont last.
But I feel like it will. Because this happiness is not from outside circumstance or external factors. It is completely internal. Like I said before, I feel like my brain chemicals have finally shifted into place. Instead of waking up wanting to die, I wake up singing.
I almost have to wonder if any of this is because I am not drinking as much. I still drink..but rarely. I dont smoke pot all day everyday either.
I am getting more exercise and eating healthier.
I am not forcing myself to live up to anyones stanards and I am not trying to disprove anyones misconceptions about me.
I have three friends that are great people here and I have three family members that love me unconditionally.
I am kicking ass in my classes [because they are online and attendance is finally not an issue hahaha]
I am kicking ass in the job that I despise.
For real, I am loving this life and I am so happy I left the life that was failing me.
To anyone who is reading this, do the one thing you fear most. You may suprise yourself.
Blessings to all,
xoxo N
